Traffic Calming

Here is a term I hope you’re not familiar with. If you are, my condolences. In this piece I would simply like to explain the theory of traffic calming, as it was explained to me. Then point out some of the more obvious flaws, as experienced by me. You see, I am one of the poor bast…ah… individuals saddled with dealing with this gay…ah…liberal idea. You might want to mentally prepare yourself for what you are about to hear. I know when I first found out about it I tried to jam a pencil in my ear so as to not feel the pain so much.

Anyway, here is the liberal theory of traffic calming. As you are driving down the road in an urban area where there are about ten times as many traffic lights as there needs to be, instead of timing the lights so that if you observe the posted speed limit you will be rewarded by hitting almost all the lights green, the libs, in their infinite wisdom, have decreed that the lights should be set in such a way so that no matter what you do you will be stopped by almost every one, thus calming the traffic. That, my befuddled friends, is the theory of traffic calming.

I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same thing when I first heard it. But the fact remains that this IS coming to an area near you unless you put a stop to it right now. Anyway, back to the story, here are some of the main problems I have found with it that you may feel free to use in your argument with the powers that attempt to bring this to you.

The first and most obvious problem is that people are continuously running red lights. They are either confused as to why they can’t “time” them correctly or they are just sick and tired of spending seven hours a week sitting at a red light. This, in itself, brings its own problems, but the fact is that once people get fed up with this retarded practice they simply begin to find ways around it. The funny thing is that nobody seems to understand the concept of voting out the stupid bas… “officials” that brought it to them.

Now, the plot thickens. In an effort to curb the red light running the same giant brains who brought you traffic calming now present the red light camera. Here’s a great product for big brother types all over the world. We attach a camera to the traffic light and when it turns red it takes several pictures in quick succession and any offenders are sent a copy of the picture and a ticket. Sounds great, huh? Well here’s the fly in the ointment.

The operation and upkeep of the cameras is too much like work for the local municipalities that would subject their peasants… uh.. I mean citizens to such abuse. So, in their infinite wisdom they have farmed it out to a company for a percentage of the income. Simple enough, eh? Not so. Apparently these cameras were not generating enough cabbage to make it worth the while of the company so it sped up the time between when the light turns yellow and when it turns red. Presto, instant increased revenue. Are you beginning to get the picture? Apparently there is a law that says you have to have so much time between yellow and red and some drivers have gone out and timed these lights and won their case in court (for what that’s worth). Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a heads up on this latest and greatest. Until next time, screw environmentalists.

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